The 1st look when I stepped into Dr H clinic was not that good. I could sense it that things were not right. Dr H was even more calm and slow in conversing to me. He said, "This is very unfortunate, but you have been tested positive, the lump on your right breast and the lymph node extracted from biopsy are cancerous. Don't worry about this. We will take good care of you."
It was true when usually we read that one's world could get spinning, or some of the sentences felt like they are drowned underwater. I felt exactly like that.
Trying to stay calm and hold my emotions (since I'm alone..) I could even feel the nurse warm gazes showing empathy on me.
I started talking silly thing in front of Dr H. I think this was the symptom of uncontrollable emotion breakdowns. I asked about my blood test result (for HIV, Hep B, Hep C) which I volunteered to do cos the chatty nurse had cut into the needle performed for my biopsy on 16 Jul.
Dr H must be finding me amusing to ask such question. But he did answer quickly by saying, "It was very nice of you to do that for the interest of the nurse. But for now, we're going to focus on taking care of your cancerous condition first, okay?" Yep. Like a daddy talking to a 'lil girl.
He told me to wait outside, that there will be breast nurse specialist who will walk me through things. Trying to hold back my tears, I told myself to have good deep breath to hold them up.
A little less than 10mins, I was called into a room for consultation with this lady nurse T. I sat my butt down, letting a big sigh, and there I went out loud, I finally broke into tears. T gave me pack of tissue and asked me to cry it out. She said it's okay, please let it all out.
She asked where my dear husband was and if I was okay to go back alone later, if I needed accompany to go back. After a few minutes, I was able to control myself again. T then started explaining the surgery options.
Mastectomy is the main choice, it means removing the whole breast since there were 2 more suspicious lumps on the right. If I ever wanted a lumpectomy, I still needed to perform biopsy for those 2 lumps to ensure that they are still good cells. Both Dr H and T had strongly suggested mastectomy as a more aggressive take to treat me due to my young age.
T explained about the option to have breast reconstruction, duration of healing, what to be expected after surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and many more. I must say that T has really been patient to explain almost anything for me (through appointments, phone calls or sms.) She's my guardian angel.
After maybe 30–45minutes, I proceeded home via the usual feeder bus and train service. Many thoughts came to mind. Tears coming down and pushed back with all might. I knew from then on, that life is not going to be the same anymore...
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