Overloaded and Overwhelmed

So the husband and I visited the oncologist last 2 days (Wed, 21 Aug). We managed to see this lady oncologist Dr Y through a force booking as the other 2 oncologists were even more packed with patients.

It didn't happen with no reason. We both were not very pleased with her. She showed little smile in the first 5 mins and then she put up a stern face with a rather unfriendly attitude. She must be the first medical practitioner I've met who extends no care nor concern to the patient. She just went on and on with a 'templated' talk and reply. And the last few responses to my answer was, "if you wait outside, there'll be a nurse to explain further details to you..."

Even the serious and very busy senior surgeon, Dr H bothers to spend few minutes to share his sympathy and concern when talking to me. Anyway, I'd ask for a change in the doctor soon without compromising the chemotherapy schedule.

The dose and outline of treatments I require look like this:
1. 4 cycles of 3-weekly chemo
2. 12 cycles of weekly chemo
3. 14 cycles of 3-weekly targeted therapy
4. at least 5 years of anti-hormonal medicines, if not 10 years.
5. then see the radiotherapist for an open discussion and suggestion if I need to have a radiotherapy

That sure looks like a hell lot of treatments. I did the calculation, it will take me approx 1.5yrs to complete up til step 3. And this is clearly not what I've expected. But then again, as shared by the not-so-friendly oncologist, I had an invasive and aggressive tumor. That's actually the first time somebody said that right to my face!

...

As systematic as it is, I was then asked to perform a heart-scan called MUGA, arranged to view a video about chemotherapy, and lastly met up with an oncologist pharmacist to have counseling session.

I have done all of them yesterday (Thu, 22 Aug). MUGA was similar with bone scan, which I did before surgery. A special lining was given to me intravenously 15 mins before the radioactive med. Then I was asked to lie down on the same bed of camera. The 'photo-taking' procedure took about 20mins. Didn't doze off like I used to due to the discomfort position to my right arm.

IV insertion has since became harder too cos I was only left with the choice of left hand. As the previous nurses commented, the vein on the left hand was so much finer than the right. And I actually have 3 bruises on the left hand now, 2 from the surgery day and 1 fresh one yesterday. And this would be the procedure I have to go through most from now on.

I was briefed that each time prior the chemo cycle start, a blood test must be performed a week before to ensure that my blood count is sufficient to take on chemo. And all of my 3 steps therapies mentioned above have to be inserted intravenously. The veins better be coorporating!

...

With different practitioners briefing me the many side effects of the therapies, what i should do, how would i feel, what i should be eating blah blah blah, and the books and online sites I've been reading, I'm getting a bit withdrawal symptoms now to all of the information. I feel overloaded and overwhelmed.

I felt my mind was spinning for the 2nd time when Dr Y did her templated explanation. And she did quite ungraciously by adding on deep breathing and loud exhaling each time she closes a sentence with a full stop. Then there was the counter staff who explained the hefty amount of the upcoming therapies. I hated that moment, I felt like shouting my lung out, "STOP!" I couldn't digest anymore. And now I'm putting all the booklets, pamphlets, library books as far away as they could.

I distracted myself by putting aside all the thoughts. I come to the blog to release these angst. I analyze that upsets me is no longer about losing a breast, feeling the post-op discomfort or going to be bald. It's that I cannot live the life I used to be anymore.

The therapies are going to cause infertility. A permanent decline in memory which may cause me to be forgetful. A possible menopause. And an increased risk of other cancers (what??!?!)

...

The happy news today is that my mummy seems to have get over the fact. She's so much positive when she talked to me last night. It's like a yin-yang effect. When she's down, I showed her how strong I could be. And when she's positive, I'm the direct opposite.

I pray for a smooth therapies in the coming months!