My fingers and toes had started to feel the numb after the 4th. I was very occupied in the house-moving at that moment. The new floor lamination and all had got me wondering when would the dust and powdery feeling of the floor could actually settled.
Only another week later that I realized it wasn't the dust or dirt which I felt on my feet, but it's the 'sparkly' numb sensation which I felt all over my feet. How lame...
Then they got stronger by each infusion that I must probably be quiet used to it now.
However, handling small fine objects which needs precision of strength and touch is quite a hassle by now. And the fingers are exceptionally sensitive to the slightest heat of my cup of breakfast tea, or feeding myself my cold blueberries actually felt like I'm holding balls with spikes or needles.
The 2–3 day recovery after each infusion is now better managed that I could actually step out of the house the very next day. But the insomia or difficulty to go back to sleep couldn't be helped, like how I'm blogging now in need to unload all the temporary stored datas from the brain — hoping I could actually sleep back again soon.
As expected from my oncologist, I haven't had my period ever since I started on this weekly regime. In another words, this must be the 'early menopause'. It feels great without the menses, but the stirred up emotions, mood swings, worries are horrible.
I got worried over every small matters. I questioned myself over decisions made, no matter how small it is, let alone the bigger ones. It's a ridiculously multiplied negativity.
Plus the foggy chemo brain weakened my ability to form a nice complete conversations. Often the family members got puzzled of my sentences. And I was pretty damn stubborn to think that the words came out from my mouth were actually what appeared from my mind.
Helpless it is.
Now I hope finding small accomplishments could help build up my confidence, like how unpacking and organizing all our belongings to the new home.
How daily packing with my girl for her first few days of Primary school actually felt like completion of projects which I used to manage at work.
How my boy has improved a little on his speech delay (articulation problem). Hearing at how he could now pronounce a clearer 'f' and 's' and the ability to differentiate a 'k' sound from a 't' sound, brought me moments of joy.
Incredibly small achievements, which I used at least double the efforts as compared to the old me, before the cancer came knocking my door.
With the extra efforts, I truly hope to bring out the best in me + all the loved ones and people around me.
I hope the positivity could win over the mess of negativity in the mind, body and soul soon. The growing fine hair does help to motivate a little, to remind myself to fight on and recover completely.
I wanna go back to the cheery old me, minus the cancer yet double the love and care to all the people around me.
End note:
Update on surgery healing — unfortunately underarm and the bulge of fat still have the same numbness from day 1. Although my right hand has no problem reaching height and stretching now, I think I might have developed another problem here. I might have overused or overworked the right hand that I feel tight pain on some parts of the muscle near the elbow. Another sharp tight pain which I fear for lymphedema. Time to make a soonest appointment with my physiotherapist! :(
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