Day 5 of 2nd AC Chemo

Overall, this is a much manageable post-chemo than the 1st one.

I managed to sit up rather than lie down flat.

Weight stays the same although I had light diet.

No throwing up so far.

Better sleep at night, which could be resulted from no nap in the day time.

Other discomfort were the side effects of blood count booster injection which I jabbed myself on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th day post chemo. That jab created unexplainable headache, neckpain, muscle aches and backpain. I think I can feel them all fading away today.

One thing which I'm not quite pleased now is the symptoms of getting UTI. I have tried my very best to drink whatever liquid and juices I can, and no urine holding. I'm still having a close fight with it now. Hope I could win the battle!

All in all, my appetite is slowly picking up, although still very picky on the choice of food. 

I'm almost hungry every moment but there's not all kind of food that I could tolerate.

I promise to stay well in the next 2 weeks!

Amazingly Calm

Dropped my newly upgraded iOS-7 iPhone to the floor tonight, leaving a pretty bad crack on the screen. My 4yo-boy was shocked cos I was trying to attend to his crying — which looked like an incident or maybe an act of bulling while playing with his sister. My 6yo-girl burst into tears feeling guilty to have caused the boo boo to happen.

With my clumsy slippery hand to leave the phone on the cupboard, it was really no one to blame but myself. Plus I recently swooped the non-slippery casing due to its worn-out condition, I think I've seen this coming...

Quickly chugged aside the phone, I went to hug my girl, and asked her not to cry over a cracked phone. I told her it's not her fault. Besides, it's only a phone! What's the point of crying over it?

That moment, I found myself amazingly calm. If this were to happen 2 months ago, I'd probably reacted differently. It's only true that when you have gotten through bad times, you are able to see things from another perspective. And able to set the priorities differently, in a better way of course.

And I'm glad to be able to soothe and share the lessons to my children right on the spot. Of not making a hoo-ha over small non-living matters in life. 

Happiness is The Best Medicine

As I was waiting for the doctors to make their rounds this morning, I was secretly hoping for an early discharge today, as the weekend is approaching, it's really bored to be isolated in this single bedded room. I have not stepped out of this room since Monday late evening when I reached the ward.

But then again, one of the doctors estimated the earliest to be discharge could be during the weekend, and not today, Friday.

So I had my routine breakfast, easy stretching, doses of iPad and iPhone games since 5am blood test. I even learned to do the booster injection myself, with the supervision of the nurse this morning. Because very likely I would need this injection after my 2nd AC chemo next Wednesday. The thought of traveling to the hospital with the sick nauseous just to have 1-min injection really sickens the mind and the body. So I did it, it wasn't difficult. I just needed the courage to poke the short needle into my stomach fat. The above sickening thought will be my future courage to do it at home :)

Then the doctors came visiting. I threw the question playfully, "Can I go home today?" And the stunning beautiful Dr TT joined me along, "Oh Yes!" Did I hear it correctly? "Really?!?" And again she said, "YES!"

My white blood count has gone up to about 7, and the neutrophils at about 5. I didn't develop fever the whole of yesterday. Mild 37.5 deg is acceptable. My blood test for culture test went negative for 2 times. My urine is clear too. Oh yeah baby! Only thing is the reddish on my op site has to be self-monitored with continuous applying of moisturizing cream.

Soon after the doctors left, I literally danced and cheered to the music playing on the radio. It's indeed a good day! I could go back to my babies and snug close to them over the weekend. Oh how I miss them!

I realized my headache disappeared, my back pain too! Magical, isn't it?

Dear hair fall multiplies as days pass by. I feel much lighter on the head now, I had probably lost 10-20% of my total hair now. Or maybe more. Even the doctors find it amusing to see me picking up fallen hair from the pillow and bed sheet while gently stroking for more hair to come down — with my iPad camera turned on facing myself (the mirror effect).

I've done my shower, changed to home clothes, now waiting for paperwork, medicine by the pharmacy and nurse to remove my 'plug'. Believe it or not, this plug has been the most comfortable one so far which I  could sometimes forget it's even there.

All's good after a 4 nights stay. A stronger immunity. Spirits are soaring. I don't fear you anymore, AC! I will be taking good care of myself and get over you. Bring it on!!!

If It's Not Me, Then Who...?

Today is a much better day for me as I find myself in a higher spirits and loads of positive energy!

I have some mantras and do talking to the inner-self about going through the tough times. 

Shower was less scary even though the hairfall is worse. Here's what I said to myself, "Dear Hair, I won't fear you anymore cos you are actually part of myself, and it's a pity that you can't stay on my scalp for now. I'm gonna bid goodbye to you temporary. Go easy when you fall. I'd be missing you with a softer, fuller regrowth next year. I'll see you soon. Be good!"

And the hair shower went beautifully and more calming. Good job to me!

I've thought it over and over again. Nobody could actually help in making the process easier but myself. So why resist? Why complain and nag? If I've been chosen as the 'lucky' one to face this, I do believe everything happen for a reason. And this reason I'd like to believe is I'm here to inspire the others. 

I'm chosen cos I'm strong enough to tell the people around me, that everything's gonna be okay! And here I choose to be positive, to see the silver linings, to be grateful for every little thing, so the journey would be an easier one.

And like how my dear friend's golden wisdom goes, "This too will pass!"

So if it's not me, then who..?

...

Slight update on day 2 of admission:

Neutrophils (substance from the white blood count) is still found to be low, so the doctor has given me a booster injection for it to pickup soon. Fever still persists, blood was just withdrawn again to check if there's any new growth of bacteria. It was my first time to experience withdrawal from the groin area. In fact it's less painful, only with the lingering feeling.

Buck up please, dear body!

No Matter What It Takes

A dear friend message:

Pls keep ur mind free from all thoughts except focusing on getting the ordeal over and getting well. Do not mind abt appearance coz tat shud not matter now. Most impt is focus only on getting well not matter wat it takes ok!!!

Thank you dear friend...

...

Speaking about the hair fall I witnessed while I took my shower earlier. Loads of them just trapped on the hand like those anti-hairfall salon advertisement. And the same scalp spot can repeatedly releases the same amount of hairfall if I stroke again.

I need to shave it so badly now...

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

It's the 12th day post chemo, and hello! Greetings from an isolated ward of another public hospital.

It's the moment of you think you could escape being admitted but you're not.

I got admitted due to sepsis neutropenia. In another words, my white blood counts have dropped to a super low 0.9 last night and a persistent on-and-off fever since last Thu, 5 Sep 2013. With an almost '0' immunity level now, any slightest bacteria could turn complicated and means serious business to me. So that explains the isolated ward they provide, which I think is the perks for being upgraded FOC.

Last Thu when the fever started, I have come down to the A&E department as advised in my chemo booklet. Did blood test, urine test and chest x-ray to see source of infections and they found traces of infection in the urine. But I was released and sent home after several packs of drip which include antibiotic, and solution to stabilize my rapid heart beat. Doctor was convinced cos my white blood count was still a soaring high 10. But she had written me a letter to go back to polyclinic on Mon (which was yesterday) for a blood test to ensure I'm fighting the infection well.

Who would have thought in the span of 4 days, the white blood count dipped so fast and so low that I must be experiencing the 'nadir' now. Like the range of lowest blood count before they start to pick up in the 3rd week and ready for the next chemo cycle.

So when the doctor from polyclinic explained my condition and started writing a referral letter for me to go back to the hospital, I let out a sigh and a non-expressive smile. I felt resigned and I just had to go back and pack well before heading to the hospital again. 

I told myself, treat it as a staycation, with so many assuring cares from the professionals at the 'hotel'. Why should I fear? 

Initially it did feel like one, when I didn't have to open a 'plug' on my poor arm. But 2 hours after settling down in the ward, on-call doctors told me the needed to give me a broader antibiotic to 'shield' me. And the only way is through this 'plug' aka intravenously.

That's exactly when I frowned like the face of my children when I said no more playtime! That's the end of staycation and back to the reality. Furthermore, the anxiety of the staff nurse and doctor were felt when they were trying to find a good vein on my left arm. "That same old stuff again.. Again and again..", I nagged myself in the heart.

What have I gotten myself into? Will I be facing such nadir and infections again each time I have my AC chemo cycle?? Please grant me stronger immunity and health to go through this tough time!

On the side note, there are noticeable hair falls now. On the pillow sheet, in the toilet. It is all happening.....

.....

Knowledge sharing:

Chemotherapy kills all cells that are dividing rapidly as that is the trait of cancer cells. So in our body system, there are other good cells that are dividing rapidly too for example the most obvious ones: the cells for the hair growth, the bone marrow which produces all blood cells, the skin and nail growth, and something from the mouth which caring for oral is important too. 

When the bone marrow is being affected, these 3 little babies here are low in production too:

Red blood cells — carries oxygen therefore causes fatigue and lack of energy

White blood cells — fight infection whenever there's a site of infection in the body

Platelets — cells fragments and when the volume is low, excessive bleeding will occur

A Week Post 1st Cycle of Chemotherapy

Finally I'm back. I had my 1st cycle of my 3-weekly AC chemo in 29 Aug 2013. That's about 4 weeks after the mastectomy. 

The medicine has left me feeling really nauseous in the 1st 3 days, and caused me to lose 4 kgs in the blink of an eye. What I could do was really lay down flat, toilet break and that's about it. That queasy feeling was worse than during the course of pregnancy. I hated the change of taste too and that made me having difficulty downing liquid. Plain water tastes like metallic. The best savior was red tea with a hint of brown sugar, and H2O drink (extra perks for replacing the salt and minerals in the body).

By the 4th day, things were taking a better turn. I was so elated I could finally eat. And every mealtime is now the best event I look forward to! Overall, the noticeable changes so far post chemo are:

— change of taste

— smaller intake of food yet much more regularly

— dry skin which leads to excessive oil-production on face

— coarse hair which feels like they are at the verge of breaking

— more frequent toilet breaks (should be my fear of holding the bladder which will harm the organs)

— chemobrain (difficulty of thinking or thinking through the fog)

— less energy and stamina

I hope with this experience, I could manage the 2nd cycle in 18 Sep better.